Today I’m continuing a series based on the talks I gave at a ladies retreat on Saturday. You can find the first two posts here and here. I’m sorry guys, although the first two posts contained principles that apply to both men and women, this one really is for the ladies. Perhaps it would give you insight into what the women in your life are up against though.

The world as we know it sets an unreasonable standard of perfection for women that is impossible to meet. We are frequently told that we can and should “have it all”, that we should be able to effortlessly balance a successful career, a perfect family, and a beautiful home, all the while maintaining an often unattainable standard of physical beauty. A woman is told that she should have a well-toned body that is both thin and curvy, hair that’s never out of place, and skin that is flawless. At the same time, she’s supposed to be nurturing, empathetic, and kind and she should never look old or tired!

Social media has certainly contributed to this messaging, but those of my generation know that this it was around long before the internet. It just came to us in different forms through things like television, women’s magazines, and advertising. What social media has done is significantly increase the level of unhealthy competition between women. What we generally see on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok are carefully curated highlights of other people’s lives and we’re often left feeling that we don’t quite measure up. We see perfection that isn’t real or sustainable.

Romans 12:2 tells us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world” tells us to leave behind the heavy weight of comparison, competition, and exhaustion brought on by the messaging that bombards us. Like Mary of Bethany (Luke 10:38-42), we are to be counter-cultural Christian women, but how do we do that?

Before I try to answer that, let’s think about what messages the church gives us about who or what we should be. The New Testament tells us a lot about correct Christian character, but it’s the Proverbs 31 woman from the Old Testament who is often held up to us as an example of perfect or godly womanhood. In case you’re not familiar with this paragon of virtue, she is described as exceptionally wise and industrious. She is trustworthy, diligent, generous to the poor, and strong in character. She earns the praise of her husband, her children, and her community. As Christian women, many of us cringe when we hear her mentioned because her perfection is intimidating!

The book of Proverbs was written roughly 2700 to 3000 years ago, but the woman it describes isn’t actually all that different from us today. She’s a wife and a mother with a household to run, but she’s also a woman with a career. Scripture tells us that she’s both the owner of a vineyard and a profitable trader. She seems to fit the mold of “having it all” – a perfect balance of career, family, and personal well-being. Not only does she ensure that her family’s needs are met, but she works vigorously and demonstrates good business sense. We’re also told that she’s up before dawn and works well into the night, so I do question her time management skills and I have to wonder how exhausted she would actually have been!

The virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 is formidable and impressive, but her accomplishments and commitment to her family create unrealistic expectations for us. Rest assured however, she was never meant to be a checklist of tasks to perform or a measuring stick to beat ourselves up with.

Trying to extract and apply wisdom from ancient literature should be done very carefully. Most Bible scholars agree that this passage was probably written by Bathsheba, one of King David’s wives, advising her son, Solomon, who would someday be king, about the kind of wife she wanted him to choose. She wasn’t actually a real woman at all! This was a loving mother’s description of the perfect wife for her son and honestly, what mother doesn’t want a perfect spouse for her child? It also describes one who would be the wife of a king, a woman who would have far more resources than the average middle-class woman today, a woman with servants to help with many of her daily chores. Who among us wouldn’t like that?!

At the end of the lengthy description of this woman’s qualities and accomplishments, Proverbs 31:30 goes on to tell us, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” It’s not the woman with a perfectly sculpted body who is to be praised. It’s not the mom with perfectly behaved children wearing matching, designer outfits or the woman with a spotless house. It’s not the woman who excels at her career, it’s the woman who fears the Lord! That’s the woman who is to be praised! That’s the woman we want to be. (If the word “fears” in this verse bothers you, there are several Bible translations and paraphrases that use terms like “honours,” “reveres,” or “respects” to convey the meaning of holy awe rather than the idea of being afraid of God.)

So, back to the question, how do we become counter-cultural Christian women, women who aren’t intimidated and burdened by all this pressure to be perfect?

Let’s take another look at Romans 12:2. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

It’s not about striving for perfection. It’s about Jesus inviting us to sit at His feet and to allow His Holy Spirit to shape and refine us. It’s about actively allowing our thinking to change from worldly perspectives to godly ones, about allowing the Holy Spirit to reorder our thoughts to align with God’s will. It’s about shifting our focus from perfection to presence; presence with God, presence with family, presence in all the many tasks that fill our daily lives.

My next post, which will be the last one in this series, will give some practical pointers on how to live this “presence over perfection” lifestyle.