Why Me? Coping with cancer and survivor’s guilt

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This has been a very hard week.

I think it’s common for people to ask “Why me?” when they’re diagnosed with cancer or another life threatening illness, but that wasn’t my experience. In fact, I clearly remember thinking, “Why not me?” After all, nearly 2 in 5 Canadians are expected to develop cancer at some point in their lives. Why wouldn’t I be one of them?

There are times though when I do ask “Why me?” When I walk into the cancer clinic for an appointment and see patients who are so much worse off than I am, I can’t help wondering why I’ve been so fortunate and they haven’t. Surviving longer, having an easier time with treatments, and/or experiencing fewer side effects often cause cancer patients like me to experience what’s known as survivor’s guilt. This is a complex emotional response where survivors feel guilty, sad or unworthy for living and recovering while others don’t.

Once again, this week has left me asking, “Why me?” In a period of less than 48 hours, we lost two very special people to cancer. One, our son-in-law’s younger sister, was a woman in her early 40s whose youngest child is still in high school. The second was a very dear friend who we first met in 2013 when we were teaching English in China and her husband was on staff with us. As couples, we did many things together, even traveling and climbing the Great Wall together. Since they retired to Mexico several years ago, we’ve visited them several times and had many more interesting adventures together. Why is it that, almost 12 and a half years after being diagnosed with an incurable cancer, I continue to live a fairly normal and productive life while both these women suffered much more than I have and are gone less than a year after diagnosis? Logically, I know that their cancers were more aggressive than mine, but I can’t help asking why I’m still here and they are not.

There are, of course, no answers to these questions.  I can only conclude that God isn’t finished with me yet and determine to make good use of whatever time I have left. In fact, that’s one of the recommended ways of dealing with survivor’s guilt and I suspect it’s the reason that I’ve felt driven these past few years to do many of the things I do. Things like editing loan descriptions for Kiva, a nonprofit organization that facilitates microloans to help alleviate poverty in underprivileged areas of the world. Things like writing letters for a Christian prison ministry and helping lead a provincial patient support group. These are things that help me find purpose and meaning in survival.

I also know that guilt, including survivor’s guilt, is one of the common stages of grieving. As I grieve the losses that we’ve experienced this week, I know that it’s normal for me to be feeling this way right now and so I acknowledge the feeling and don’t despair.

Book of the month – January 2026

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More than ever these days, with the world in ever increasing chaos, escaping into a good book seems to be a way to hold onto one’s sanity!

As a child, when I was feeling down or stayed home from school because I was sick, I often turned to my same favourite book and read it again. As an adult, however, I seldom reread books. I first read this month’s feature trilogy soon after the third book was published in 1995. The boxed set has been sitting on a shelf downstairs for almost three decades and lately it had been calling out to me. Although I remembered the main characters and knew that the story had impacted me the first time I read it, I couldn’t recall many of the details. It was definitely worth a second read.

Mark of the Lion

Francine Rivers

I seldom read Christian novels because most of them are either futuristic stories based on the author’s interpretation of the Biblical book of Revelation or fluffy happy-ever-after romances. These three books definitely don’t fall into either of those categories. In fact, they are best suited to a mature audience that isn’t overly squeamish as there are some fairly graphic descriptions of violence and cruelty, as well as references to sexuality and sexually transmitted disease, discrimination, and other forms of injustice. For those who like romance, though, there’s also some of that!

Set mainly in 1st century Rome and Ephesus, this is a story of courage, faith, forgiveness, and redemption. The main characters include Hadassah, a young girl captured during the siege of Jerusalem in 70 AD and sold into slavery; the Valerians, a wealthy and aristocratic Roman family; and Atretes, a German warrior captured and trained as a gladiator. In addition, the author weaves in a whole host of other characters including several from the Bible, fictionalized of course.

Rivers does an outstanding job of vividly portraying the decadent culture of 1st century Rome and at times it seems all too familiar as many of the same issues still plague us today. One would have to wonder if contemporary Western culture is destined to fall in much the same way that corrupt Rome did, but I digress!

The core message of Christianity is woven throughout the series and clearly motivates some of the characters, but Rivers has managed to incorporate this without becoming preachy.

Even the second time through, I could hardly put these books down. In the words of one Goodreads reviewer, “These are can’t put down, aren’t going to feed the kids or the dog, not doing laundry kind of books!” Fortunately, my kids have all flown the nest and we don’t have a dog!

Saying yes to the unexpected

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From time to time over the years, I have experienced the joy that comes from saying yes to the unexpected. While it’s easy to stay within what’s predictable and familiar, saying yes often requires us to step out of our comfort zone and stretches us as a person.

In mid December, I received an email from the president of CNETS (the Canadian Neuroendocrine Tumour Society) asking me if I would be interested in sharing my patient story at a pharmaceutical company gathering in Kananaskis on January 20th. While I seldom give an immediate response to an unexpected request, preferring to give myself time to think about it first, I knew right away that this was something I wanted to do. Since there was nothing on our calendar to prevent me from saying yes and since we could also combine it with a weekend visit with our daughter’s family on the way, I sent off a quick reply saying yes to this unexpected opportunity. I will admit that the location in the beautiful Rocky Mountains of southwest Alberta was an added incentive!

The event was held in the Black Diamond Club, an exclusive “hotel within a hotel” at the Pomeroy Kananaskis Mountain Lodge, and we were provided with one night’s luxury accommodation there. Here’s the beautiful view from the window of our room early Tuesday morning.

The group that I would be speaking to on Tuesday was made up of approximately 20 individuals from across the country plus a member of the company’s legal counsel from the US. We were invited to have dinner with them on Monday evening and by the time we’d spent a couple of very relaxing hours over a delicious meal together, I felt so comfortable with them that any nervousness I might have felt about sharing my story had completely evaporated. They have an unwritten rule that when they assemble in person they don’t discuss politics or religion, probably very wise considering the state of the world that we live in today. Instead, conversation around the table ranged from families to food to travel and a variety of other topics. After dinner, hubby and I relaxed in the outdoor hot tub before retiring for the night.

The following morning my story was very well received. As the producers of a generic version of a medication that is commonly used by neuroendocrine patients, they wanted to hear about my journey to diagnosis, my treatments, and what it has been like living with NETS (neuroendocrine cancer), as well as what tools or support services might be helpful to the NETS community. I was impressed by the fact that  they were very interested in learning about the disease from the patient’s perspective. There were audible gasps and even a few tears, but also moments of laughter as they hung on every word. My half hour talk was followed by a question and answer period during which they asked some very insightful questions and expressed their appreciation for all that I shared.

Once again, saying yes to the unexpected was a very rewarding experience and one that I’d be happy to repeat. When we take a chance and step into the unknown, we have the opportunity to make new connections, discover new strengths, and open ourselves up to unexpected rewards. I believe in embracing life and living it to the fullest, so I hope to have more opportunities to say yes to the unexpected!

Struggling with social media

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I’ve written about my love/hate relationship with Facebook before. Looking back, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I wrote that post and here I am once again feeling the same sort of frustration that I felt back then although for somewhat different reasons.

With over 3 billion active users, Facebook continues to be the world’s most popular social media platform, but it’s driving me crazy! I originally joined to connect with people who were important to me. I miss the days when my feed was filled with their photos and status updates. Now every time I look at Facebook, I see endless posts about the horrors happening south of our border, the vocal minority who want our province to separate from Canada, and the latest well-known evangelical Christian to admit to sexual sin, as well as numerous AI generated stories that may or may not contain elements of truth. I swear that my blood pressure climbs every time I scroll! Apparently, social media algorithms think these are the things I want to see, but they are not! I read local, national, and world news on several sites of my own choosing every day. I don’t need to see it on social media.

In the past, I found that I could clean up my newsfeed by hiding or blocking the sources of posts that I didn’t want to see. I’m still trying to do that, but it doesn’t seem to work as well as it once did. For every source that I block, several more appear. There seems to be no end of them!

So what’s the answer? What would happen if I just stepped away? Would I lose friendships? Would I miss something important? I know that I would lose the one connection that I still have with a number of acquaintances around the world and I would miss that, but is it worth it? That’s the decision that I’m struggling with. As long as I didn’t completely delete my Facebook account, I’d still be able to use Messenger to chat with those that I’m more closely connected with and I do want to continue linking my blog posts to Facebook as that’s where many of you find them and comment on them.

There are, of course, numerous other social media platforms, but none of them gobble up the time or cause me the frustration that Facebook does. I do have an Instagram account, but I mainly use it to look at what a few others have posted and seldom post anything myself. I also use WhatsApp to chat with a limited number of individuals and, although I’m no longer part of the professional world, I do have a LinkedIn account.

How would you describe your relationship with social media? Do you find it as frustrating as I do? How do you handle that?

For now, I’m going to continue attempting to curate my Facebook feed by unfollowing or blocking sites that frustrate me and I’m also going to try to set limits on how much time I spend on social media. Perhaps that will help.

Paper or digital?

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There was a time when I wrote everything by hand. As a university student in the early 1970s, while most of my peers were cranking out essays on manual or electric typewriters, every paper that I submitted was handwritten. It wasn’t because I didn’t know how to type. My mother had insisted that typing was a skill that every girl should have, so I had taken typing classes in high school. I just preferred to write by hand. My early freelance articles were handwritten, but I typed a final copy for submission because  that was required by most publications. Then came computers and the ease of word processing. I made the transition to writing on a keyboard and never looked back.

There are, however, some areas where I have intentionally hung onto vestiges of the past.

In a world where it seems that we’re constantly glued to screens, I still prefer a physical, paper calendar that gives me a visual overview of upcoming appointments and events. One hangs on our kitchen wall and I carry a smaller version in my purse.

I also use a simple paper planner where I write my daily to-do list. Putting pen to paper and actually writing down my intentions and placing them where I will see them multiple times throughout the day keeps me focused on accomplishing them and there’s something deeply satisfying about crossing off each item as it’s completed. Unlike digital alerts that disappear once they’re completed, a handwritten paper planner also provides a record of tasks completed and gives me a greater sense of accomplishment. Ultimately though, the best calendar or planner is the one that a person will use consistently and for me, that’s paper.

Then there’s books. When we travel, I absolutely love the convenience of the e-reader that my daughter gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago, but at home I still prefer to immerse myself in the pages of an actual, physical book.

What about you? Have you completely joined the digital world or are you like me, still a little bit old-school?

One word for 2026

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At the beginning of each new year, I like to choose one word to inspire or guide me throughout the year ahead as well as a scripture verse to go along with it. For the past two years, my word was hope, a word that continues to inspire me to hold fast to a God who is who He says He is and can do what He says He will do.

Although I often find myself pondering what my new word should be during the final days of December, I’ve known since late summer or early fall what my one word for 2026 would be.

Joy!

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines joy as “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness” but joy is much more than that. Joy is a choice. It’s a a deep, enduring contentment that isn’t dependent on circumstances.  It’s a deeper emotion than happiness and often comes from having a sense of purpose or from meaningful relationships with other people. Happiness is fleeting, but joy sees beauty even during trying times. My goal this year is to be intentional about looking for moments of joy each day.

There were many Bible verses that I could have chosen to go along with my one word for 2026, but I settled on Romans 15:13 because it so beautifully ties this year’s word with my last one.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Have you chosen a word for 2026? I’d love to know what it is.

Book of the month – December 2025

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Early in December, I was looking for something light and entertaining to read when I came across two books that fit the bill. The fact that both are set in locations that I’ve had the privilege of visiting added to the fun. Since I couldn’t decide which one to review this month, I decided to share them both.

Buying a Piece of Paris: The Home of My Dreams in the City of Lights

Ellie Nielsen

Buying a Piece of Paris is a charming memoir about the Australian author’s humorous and challenging quest to find and purchase an apartment in Paris. With only two weeks to locate and secure the apartment of her dreams, something exuding character and Parisian chic, Ellie embarks on what seems an almost impossible pursuit. Armed with only a cursory grasp of the language, she finds herself trying to navigate the bewildering French real estate market with its unique customs, quirky agents, and unexpected cultural hurdles. All in all, a very entertaining read and especially so since, although I’ve only spent five days in Paris, I could visualize many of the places that she mentioned and the kind of buildings she visited in her frantic and sometimes hilarious search for the perfect place to call home.

A couple of Paris street scenes from our visit in 2019…

The Colour of Tea

Hannah Tunnicliffe

After moving with her husband to the tiny, bustling city of Macau, across the Pearl River delta from Hong Kong, Grace Miller finds herself a stranger in a very foreign land. Facing the devastating news of her infertility and a marriage in crisis, Grace resolves to do something bold, something that her impetuous mother might have done. Turning to her love of baking, she opens Lillian’s, a café specializing in coffee, tea, and delicate French macarons. In this story of love, friendship, and renewal, Lillian’s quickly becomes a sanctuary where women from different cultural backgrounds come together to support one another.

I could easily visualize Grace’s café on a street like this, one of the many that we walked down during our one day visit to Macau in 2009.

2025 fashion shopping review

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I know it’s not Friday, the day I usually try to write about fashion, but it’s that weird limbo between Christmas and New Years when we’re all out of routine and no one seems to know for sure what day it is, so bear with me.

For the past eight years, I’ve kept a list of all my fashion purchases including clothing, accessories, and footwear. Initially, I had three goals in mind. I was interested in finding out more about my spending habits, I wanted to be more intentional about wardrobe development, and I wanted to work on becoming a more ethical shopper. At the end of each year I’ve published a fashion shopping review analyzing my purchases and setting some goals for the next year.

When I started this exercise back in 2018, I bought 35 items. 30 of them were purchased new and the other 5 were thrifted. I spent approximately $1135 CAD. In 2024, I bought only 14 items. 9 of them were new and again, 5 were thrifted. I spent $420.58. This past year, I purchased 14 items again, 11 new and 3 thrifted, and spent a total of just $318.29!

Although buying less is good for both the planet and the pocketbook, I’m not entirely happy with my 2025 clothing purchases. In addition to replacing worn out underwear (I counted a package of 6 as one item) and pyjamas, I bought a pair of warm winter gloves, a few tops, and a jacket. That’s all! I feel like I’ve let my wardrobe slip and I find myself reaching for the same old pieces over and over again. That’s also why I’ve found it hard to maintain the Fashion Friday aspect of the blog with any regularity. After all, who wants to read about my same old, same old boring wardrobe? 😂

I did purchase two accessories this year, but both could also be considered souvenirs. I bought a necklace in a little kiosk in a bus station in Mexico and a pair of silver earrings in an open marketplace in Armenia.

My most expensive wardrobe purchase this year was the one pair of shoes that I bought, a pair of classic leather Clarks with low heels and a patent toe cap that gives them a dressy look. They’re super comfy and can be worn with anything from a fancy dress to jeans. One thing I’ve learned as I’ve aged is that comfortable, quality footwear is always a good investment and I’d been looking for something like these for quite awhile.

As I look ahead to 2026, my main wardrobe shopping goal is quite different from previous years. I actually want to shop more! As a frugal fashionista, I’m not about to go overboard, but my closet definitely needs some updating. At the same time, I fully intend to continue avoiding fast fashion, buying quality pieces that will last, and attempting to shop for ethically sourced garments (which is much easier said than done). I’ll also continue to track my purchases so that I can evaluate again a year from now.

Overcoming writer’s block and wishing you a Merry Christmas!

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The blog has been silent for more than two weeks and I can’t even blame it on the busyness of the season because we’ve kept our Christmas preparations very simple this year. No, it definitely hasn’t been that.

AI describes writer’s block as “a temporary inability to produce new work or a creative slowdown, characterized by feeling stuck, lacking ideas, or finding writing difficult, often stemming from anxiety, stress, perfectionism, or burnout, not a lack of skill.”

Feeling stuck… lacking ideas… stemming from anxiety and stress? Yes, I think that probably describes exactly what’s been happening! If you’re a regular reader of the blog, you already know that I had an ablation in mid November to destroy a cancerous tumour on my liver. After a few days of brain fog, loss of appetite, and absolute exhaustion, I started to feel better and although my energy level wasn’t quite what I was used to, I was soon back to all my normal activities.

Then, two weeks ago, I noticed signs that something wasn’t quite right. Blood tests showed that my liver enzymes were seriously elevated. I wasn’t in pain and I had no obvious signs of infection, so the cause was a mystery. That led to more blood tests, two unplanned trips to the city, a CT scan, a FibroScan (similar to an ultrasound), and two consultations with a very nice hepatologist (liver specialist). In a health care setting where it often takes months for a person to get a scan or see a specialist, I was amazed at how fast all of this happened and of course, my mind went to all kinds of worse case scenarios. Thankfully, to make a long story short, there is no sign of anything wrong with my liver and the specialist is convinced that what we’re seeing is simply effects of the tumour that was burned dying off. As a precaution, I’ll be having weekly blood tests until things return to normal.

Anytime the blog is silent for this length of time, I start to feel like I’m letting my regular readers down and I also know that some of you start to worry. Now that I’ve made myself sit down and write this, hopefully the creative juices will begin to flow again and I’ll get back into my regular routine of posting every Friday. Probably not this week though as we’ll be spending time with family and hope you will be too.

Living as far north as we do, I’m always delighted when the winter solstice arrives and we can begin looking forward to the days getting longer again. I admit to being a little jealous when our oldest son, who lives in North Vancouver, sent me photos of roses in bloom earlier this week! We had a blizzard on Wednesday, so we’re living in a very white world right now. This is what Christmas looks like to me though!

Wherever you’re celebrating this season and whether you have a white Christmas or not, I hope you’re warmed by the love of family and friends and I wish you a very Merry Christmas!

Dressing for the holiday season

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I used to think that dressing for Christmas events meant putting together festive outfits that incorporated sequins, glitter, metallics, satiny fabrics or velvet in holiday colours like red, green, or gold. But what if that’s not you? If glitz and glam is your thing, then by all means, indulge your inner princess, but if it’s not, don’t try to be someone you’re not. I’m here to tell you that dressing for the holidays shouldn’t turn you into a completely different person. Instead, consider your style personality, how you like to dress the rest of the year, then elevate it slightly to make it appropriate for the holiday events you’ll be attending.  

I’ve written about style adjectives many times before. These are three to five descriptive words that describe your personal style and help you create outfits that say what you want to say about yourself. My adjectives are classy, casual, comfortable, confident, and authentic. In creating outfits for Christmas events, I might want to play into the classy aspect of my style a bit more than the casual side, but I definitely want to be authentic; true to who I am as opposed to trying to look like someone I’m not.  

Holiday outfits should feel special, but they don’t have to involve buying dozens of Christmassy pieces that will languish in your closet eleven months of the year. Instead, look at what’s already in your closet that might lean toward festive with the addition of the right accessories. A black skirt or pants paired with a cream or red sweater could form the basis of an outfit that would be appropriate for most Christmas occasions. Add some glittery earrings or a festive brooch, a dressy handbag, and the right shoes or boots and you’re ready to go. 

Now let’s look at what I wore for the one Christmas event that I’ve attended so far, a ladies banquet and fashion show. Since my style uniform throughout the winter months often consists of jeans, a pullover top, and a third piece, it was easy to follow the same formula but dress it up with pieces that have been in my closet for several years.

The black pants are left over from my teaching days, so they’re probably 20 years old or more! They were hidden away in storage for many years when wide legs were out of style; one of the few times that I was smart enough to hang onto something until a trend returned! Now they’re my go-to pants when I need something dressy. The simple sleeveless top has also been around for years. It’s one of those sparkly items that only comes out at this time of year and adds a Christmassy feel to the outfit. The cozy sweater jacket was thrifted several winters ago. I knew that it would keep me warm even if the venue was a bit cool. I accessorized the outfit with a simple black belt, black booties, and a pair of sparkly earrings.  

Before I close, I want to thank everyone for the very kind responses to last week’s post that were left here on the blog or on Facebook. I appreciated them so much! ❤ I’m happy to report that I’m feeling much better now. My appetite has returned and my energy level is improving day by day. I’m still committed to keeping Christmas simple this year though!