Faith

One year later…

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It’s hard to believe that a whole year has passed since I heard the fateful news. 365 days of living with cancer have gone by already!

The first days were the scariest when we didn’t yet know what kind of cancer it was and the process of finding out seemed ever so slow. Eventually, we learned that I have neuroendocrine tumours, a very slow growing chronic cancer that often responds well to treatment, and we breathed a small sigh of relief.

There have been dark and disappointing days, especially the day in late March when we learned that I had a second, completely unrelated cancer. That led to seven hours of surgery and six weeks of radiation. There’s still plenty of healing to be done and some long term repercussions but for the most part, I think we’ve put the second cancer behind us and I’ll soon resume treatment for the first one.

Though we’ve spent a lot of time away from home, our gypsy tendencies have been severely curtailed this year.  We’ve spent many days on the road driving back and forth to Edmonton for tests, scans, biopsies and treatments but we haven’t been outside Canada at all. We did renew our passports though and we opted for Canada’s new ten year ones in hopes that my wandering days aren’t over yet.

I often wonder if there will ever be a day when it doesn’t cross my mind that I have cancer. It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and to focus on the negatives but I refuse to do that! Cancer has changed our lives significantly and we continue to live with lots of unknowns but life goes on and we have much to be thankful for.

I’m ever so thankful for my loving husband who has been by my side every step of the way patiently chauffeuring me to appointments, meeting with doctors and sharing the good days and the bad. We’ve also been absolutely overwhelmed by the prayerful support we’ve received from around the world. I know that that has sustained me through the ups and downs of the past year and that it will continue to do so in the days that lie ahead.

So now, as I move ahead into my second year of life with cancer, completely cognizant of the fact that many people don’t get that privilege, I’m determined to continue living life to the fullest!

What are you reading?

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“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more you learn, the more places you’ll go.”

Dr. Suess

I’ve been an avid reader for as long as I can remember. Bookstores and libraries are two of my favourite places but when I was recently asked who my favourite author is, I couldn’t answer. I had to be honest and say that I don’t have one. There are simply too many to choose from!

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my favourite novel is The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller and the nonfiction book that has impacted me most is Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity For Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristoff and Sheryl WuDunn.

As Dr. Suess so wisely mentions, books can take us places we might never go. I’m presently in the middle of reading Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Pulitzer Prize winning reporter, Katherine Boo, which has carried me into the slums of present day Mumbai, India. Next on my list is The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by A.J. Jacobs. Recommended by my blogging friend, Donloree, the book chronicles Jackson’s experience reading the Encyclopaedia Britannica from A to Z!

My taste in reading is somewhat eclectic and perhaps a bit academic. I don’t care for fantasy, mysteries or thrillers. I’m not averse to romance but I don’t like what I call “fluff” (syrupy, predictable, “happy ever after” stories) nor do I care for the highly erotic. Fifty Shades of Grey is not on my reading list. Though our bookshelves contain a very sizable collection of westerns, those are Richard’s and I’ve never had a desire to read them.

So what do I like to read? First on my list would probably be realistic fiction, true to life human interest stories like the book I’m presently reading. I also enjoy historical fiction, stories that take me back in time. Biographies, autobiographies and other non-fiction books that introduce me to the lives of interesting people in interesting places are also high on my list.

Though I’ll never read the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica, I have read the Bible from cover to cover several times. I consider it the essential guidebook for this journey called life and I read from it almost every day. For reading purposes, I much prefer a chronological Bible that puts the historical narrative in the order that it happened. The version that I’m currently reading is a New King James chronological study Bible that contains lots of notes, articles, timelines and other graphics that give insight into the life and customs of Bible times. They contain information on everything from agriculture to architecture, food and drink to government, and marriage and family to science and worship. I’m thinking that it’s going to take me a long time to get through this one but it’s definitely fascinating.

As a teenager, I went through a science fiction phase but that genre no longer captures my interest and as a long time teacher of upper elementary school, I’ve read a lot of juvenile fiction, some of it very good. Perhaps some of my most entertaining reading these days is sharing children’s books with my grandchildren!

I was disappointed to discover that though I had plenty of time to read while recovering from last month’s surgery, for the first couple of weeks I wasn’t able to focus well enough to escape into a good book! The after effects of seven hours of anesthetic plus the amount of pain medication that I was using left my poor head a bit addled! Fortunately, that has worn off and I’m reading again. We’re off to Edmonton to start my radiation treatments the day after tomorrow and I’ll be taking several books with me.

What do you like to read? Do you have a favourite author?

 

In everything give thanks

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I almost hesitate to post anything today because I’m feeling rather cranky! My surgery went well last Wednesday so what do I have to complain about? Just the fact that my head feels like it’s been used as a soccer ball and a sore throat/earache kept me awake most of the night.

Feeling the way I do this morning, it would be easy to give in to whining and feeling sorry for myself but this is one of those days when I need to remind myself that scripture says

images

The little word in  at the beginning of that verse is the reason that I can give thanks today. If it asked me to give thanks for everything, I’m quite certain I couldn’t do it. I certainly couldn’t give thanks for cancer and though I recognize how fortunate I am to live where universal and excellent health care is available, I’m not thankful that I had to have surgery at all, but even in  these circumstances, there is much to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for my hubby who patiently puts up with my restlessness at night and crankiness by day! In some ways, the surgery was harder on him than it was on me. I was out cold, totally unaware of what was going on, but as the hours ticked by, he was the one who was waiting for the surgeon’s call to tell him that things had gone well. I’m thankful for a surgeon who worked patiently and carefully for seven hours straight to remove all the cancer yet leave my facial nerves intact. Thanks to his meticulous effort, my left eye is fully functional and I’m left with nothing more than a crooked smile which will likely improve significantly once the massive swelling subsides and healing takes place. I’m also thankful for the wonderful friends and neighbours who have been showering us with meals; pots of homemade soup, fresh buns and other soft foods that I can handle. We are so blessed!

But do you know what else I’m thankful for today? I’m thankful for the guys who invented the drinking straw!  After seven hours with a breathing tube down my throat, it is SORE and it seems to be taking a long time to heal! Drinking lots of fluids helps but that’s hard to do when your bottom lip doesn’t work right!

Apparently, the first drinking straws were used more than 5000 years ago! The oldest one in existence, a gold tube inlaid with precious blue lapis lazuli, was found by archeologists exploring an ancient Sumerian tomb that was dated 3,000 B.C. On the other side of the globe, Argentinian natives long used similar wooden or metal devices, known as bombillas, to strain and drink their tea. Our humble paper and plastic straws had their beginnings in the U.S. In the 1880s, using rye grass as straws had become popular but their tendency to become mushy when wet and the grassy flavour that they added to beverages, made them somewhat unsatisfactory. It was Marvin C. Stone who came up with the idea of making one from paper. He started by winding paper around a pencil to make a thin tube, then slid the pencil out and applied glue to hold it together. He later built a machine that would coat the outside of the paper with wax. He patented his invention on January 3rd, 1888. In 1937, Joseph Friedman, created the first bendable straw, the type I’m using today.

Come to think of it, I’m even thankful for silly history lessons like this one that provide distraction from my present discomfort and crankiness!

What are you thankful for today?

What makes a woman beautiful?

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I’ve been thinking a lot about appearance lately and questioning what it is that makes a woman beautiful. It began about a month ago when my Facebook news feed began to fill up with no make-up selfies, photos of fresh faced women without any make-up. Apparently, this was an offshoot of a campaign that originated in Britain in early March as a breast cancer awareness and fundraising endeavor. It quickly went viral. On this side of the pond, the breast cancer connection was lost and the movement became about women being comfortable in their own skin and embracing their natural beauty. Women were to post their no make-up photo then nominate other female friends to do the same. The response was interesting. Many posted their pictures proudly, others with disclaimers apologizing to those who had to see them, while still others refused to post at all.

I enjoyed the pictures but I was saddened by some of the responses. What is it about our culture that tells a woman that she needs to apologize for her natural appearance or worse yet, that she shouldn’t be seen publicly without being fully made up?

The answer is easy; the messages are all around us. Flip open any women’s magazine and you’re instantly inundated by air brushed images promising younger looking skin, flawless complexions, lusher lashes, smoother lips and glossy nails. How easy it is to forget that these are simply advertisements aimed at selling products. Instead, for many, they become the goal, the standard of beauty, and they go to great lengths to try to attain it.

The Bible has something very different to say about beauty.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  1 Peter 3:3-4

Though this passage has often been misinterpreted, nowhere does the Bible say that a godly woman shouldn’t braid her hair, wear elaborate jewelry and fine clothes, or use make-up. It simply says that her true beauty shouldn’t depend on these things. It ought to come from inside.

That’s easy to say when you’re comfortable with what you see in the mirror, but what if you really aren’t? I’m waiting for surgery to remove a cancerous tumour from my parotid gland, the largest salivary gland on the left side of my face, and I have no idea what I’ll look like afterward. The best case scenario would leave me with nothing more than an S-shaped scar down the crease in front of my ear, under my ear lobe, and down onto the side of my neck. A change in hairstyle could easily camouflage that. The tumour is deep, however, and removal may require a much more complicated procedure. There’s no way of knowing this in advance, however, so I’ve already signed consent that would allow the surgeon to make a much larger incision and cut through and temporarily move my jawbone if necessary. This procedure would also require a temporary tracheotomy and, of course, the scarring would be much more extensive. In either case, this is very delicate surgery due to the close proximity to a major facial nerve. If possible, the nerve will be saved but there is no guarantee of that. If it cannot be, I will be left with significant drooping on that side of my face.

So, what will I look like when this is over? Will I be one of those people that little children stare at and whose embarrassed mothers hush when they innocently ask, “Why does that lady look so funny?” Will inner beauty shine through a lopsided face? Will I have the courage to wear my scars as a badge of survival?

Tomorrow, I’m going to be attending a Look Good, Feel Better workshop. The program, an initiative of the Canadian Cosmetic, Toiletry and Fragrance Association, is designed to boost the morale of women undergoing cancer treatment by empowering them to manage the effects that cancer and its treatment can have on their appearance. Perhaps I’ll learn something that will help me deal with my post surgery face, whatever it looks like.

Ultimately, however, make-up or not, scars and all, I just want the beauty of Christ to be seen in me.

face-in-the-cross

 

Top six

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This is Following Augustine’s 600th post written over a period of slightly more than six years! I think that the secret to the blog’s longevity is its eclectic nature.

Originally started as a way to share our year in Japan (2008-2009) with friends and family, it has become much more than a travel blog. Family often shows up but it isn’t a mommy blog and while I occasionally focus on clothing, shoes or accessories, it definitely isn’t a fashion blog. In recent months, I’ve been using the blog to share my cancer journey but, just as my life continues to be about more than just my health, so does the blog. My faith permeates every part of my life, including what I write, but this isn’t a religion blog either. For lack of a better description, I refer to it as a travel and lifestyle blog but I also like to think of it as an active retirement blog.

One of the things that I like about blogging with WordPress is the stats page where I can see how many readers view the blog, where they’re from and which posts are most popular. I’m often surprised by which ones generate the most interest. In fact, some of the most popular posts are ones that I wondered if anyone would find interesting!

Today, in honour of 600 posts in 6 years, I’m going to profile my top 6 posts of all time. Since several of them are older posts, I’ll include a link to each one in case newer readers are interested in looking back with me. Just click on the titles below to check them out.

Following Augustine’s Top Six Posts of All Time

 

#6  What influences your sense of self-worth?   Oct. 29, 2011

The idea for this post came from Charles F. Stanley’s Bible study, How to Reach Your Full Potential for God, and was the result of some serious self examination. It was one of the most difficult posts I’ve written because it involved baring my soul and owning up to an attitude that I knew needed to change.

#5   Tatami   Aug. 28, 2008

I find it quite funny that the most popular post from our entire year in Japan was about the traditional floor covering known as tatami! Tatami has many advantages and I loved it but I didn’t love the insects that crawled out of the tightly woven mat at night to bite me! Eww! Fortunately, we learned how to get rid of them and it’s obviously this information that people are looking for when they Google “insects in tatami” or other similar phrases and find their way to this post.

#4   A new journey…   Aug. 30, 2013

The newest post on my Top Six list, this is the one that shared my cancer diagnosis. I was walking this trail beside a peaceful lake in southern Alberta when the cell phone in my pocket rang and I first heard that dreaded C word.

Where will this journey take us?

Now that a second cancer has been diagnosed, we are no closer to knowing where this journey is going to take us.

#3   Alex’s yellow lizard   May 28, 2012

IMG_9629_2Richard and I are avid geocachers. Geocaching is a grown up, high-tech game of hide and seek. Participants use GPS units to hide and find containers called geocaches and then log their activity online. One of the aspects of geocaching that I like best is trackables; geocaching game pieces that are moved from cache to cache by geocachers like ourselves. Alex’s Yellow Lizard was a trackable that we picked up from a roadside cache in Manitoba on our way home from Winnipeg a couple of years ago. When it started its journey in Minnesota, its owner asked that pictures be taken and posted along the way so that his seven-year-old son could watch his little yellow lizard as it traveled around the world. We placed it in a geocache at a native ceremonial site on a high point of land about 24 km north of our home. When I posted this information on the geocaching website, I included a link to my blog.

#2   Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout   Jan. 21, 2011

pig-nose-ringI have no idea why so many people enter things like “gold ring in pig’s snout” and “pig nose ring” in search engines! I thought this was a pretty obscure thing to write about! The phrase comes from Proverbs 11:22 and refers to a beautiful woman who has no discretion.

 

And now, drumroll please!

#1   Bridges of Madison County   July 21, 2010

My most read blog post of all time is also one of my shortest. On a road trip to Kansas City for a missions conference during the summer of 2010, we purposely went out of our way to visit Winterset, Iowa, the setting of my favourite novel, The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller. Like Robert Kincaid, one of Waller’s main characters, we drove the back roads of Madison County photographing the covered bridges that were made famous by the novel and the movie that followed. I crossed another dream off my unwritten bucket list when I stood on Roseman Bridge and touched the spot where farmer’s wife, Francesca (Meryl Streep), pinned a note inviting Robert (Clint Eastwood) to come for dinner “anytime the white moths fly”.

And here it is, the most viewed photo to appear on my blog thus far!

Roseman Bridge

Roseman Bridge

Cancer times two!

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Seven months to the day after being told that I have cancer, I heard that dreaded message all over again. I don’t just have cancer, I have two completely different kinds of cancer!

After waiting patiently for three weeks (okay, maybe I wasn’t all that patient), I finally received the results of my biopsy yesterday. The growth in my salivary gland is, indeed, another cancer. Though I don’t have any details yet, I’ve been told that it will be removed surgically. I don’t know when. I don’t know whether follow-up treatment will be required. In fact, the things I don’t know far outweigh the things I do.

We expected this journey to be a bumpy one and I knew that there would likely be a few unexpected curves in the road but I definitely wasn’t prepared for this one! I must admit that I’m beginning to feel a bit like Old Testament Job who endured catastrophe heaped upon catastrophe. Fortunately, I have a much better support system than he had! No one is suggesting that anything I have done or failed to do has brought these troubles upon me and no one, like Job’s wife, is suggesting that I “Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9) On the contrary, I am surrounded by friends and family upholding me in prayer and offering whatever support they can. I also need to remind myself that, in the end, God blessed Job abundantly. I’m still hanging on to the hem of his garment and praying that my story will end similarly!

In the meantime, I’m doing my best to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. There’s still laundry to do, meals to make and sunshine pouring in my window. My brain is a bit fuzzy; taking it’s time absorbing this latest blow, I guess. I found myself having to look up family phone numbers last night that I usually know as well as I know my own!

That brings me to yesterday’s good news. After being rushed to hospital in respiratory failure two weeks ago, my 90-year-old father was discharged yesterday. For the moment, things are calm on the parental front!

 

Where does my strength come from?

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In the six months since my cancer was diagnosed, (yes, it’s been six months already!) many of you have commented on my strength. While I’m both flattered and encouraged by your kind words, I feel I must give credit where credit is due.

The strength you speak of is not my own. I believe with all my heart that it comes from my relationship with the living God, creator of the universe. Oh, it’s true that tough times in the past have made me stronger and I’d be remiss not to mention that I have the support of a loving husband, family, friends and community but ultimately, if it were not for my relationship with God, I’d probably be a basket case by now!

I grew up in a church-going family but by the time I reached my late teens, I’d turned my back on the things I was taught and gone my own way. It wasn’t until I’d made a huge mess of my life that I heard something I’d never heard in all those years of Sunday School and church. I heard about a God who wanted to have a personal relationship with me and that made all the difference in the world! It wasn’t about a religion and following a bunch of old-fashioned rules. It was simply about someone who could take the mess I’d made out of my life and turn it into something beautiful. That’s where my strength comes from!

Does the fact that I have cancer mean that God has forgotten me or worse yet, that he doesn’t exist? Absolutely not! I have no idea why he has allowed this to happen but I am confident that the words of Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” are as true for me today as they were for the Jews who were living in exile in Babylon in the days of the prophet.

In addition to acknowledging the true source of my strength, I must also admit that I had an amazing example in my oldest daughter who died at the age of five following a 14 month battle with leukemia. She endured so much more than I have with incredible dignity and grace. Though her wee body was ravaged by chemotherapy and radiation, her faith never wavered! She certainly knew where her strength came from and her legacy lives on in those whose lives she touched. I am inspired to fight the fight as well as she did!

Ready to go home after an 8 weeks stay in hospital

Ready to go home after an 8 week stay in hospital

How am I doing?

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“How are you doing?”

I’m asked the question often and I really don’t know how to answer! The short answer is, “I’m feeling fine and able to live a normal life right now and for that I’m very thankful!”

I know there are some of you, however, who want the long answer. Other than a sensation in the left side of my face that doesn’t feel quite right, I really am feeling fine but I have no idea what’s happening on the inside. Not knowing whether the cancer is growing and spreading or if it’s been arrested by the treatment that I had in November is somewhat disconcerting but it’s the growth in my face that concerns me the most because we know that it wasn’t receptive to the mIBG.

I’ll be back in Edmonton on January 31 for more tests and another treatment so I hope to have more answers after that. Because I tolerated the last treatment so well, I don’t even have to stay in the lead lined room this time! Instead, I’ll be receiving my treatment as an outpatient. I’d feel more confident if I knew that it was going to be lutetium instead of mIBG though. That was the original plan but the government hasn’t given final approval to the clinical trial yet. Since I don’t know where the hold up is, I’ve written to both my MP and my MLA asking them to look into the matter. As I pointed out to them, it may only be paperwork to those who are dealing with it at the government level but it’s a matter of life and death to people like me! Both their offices immediately forwarded my concern to their respective health departments but I’ve heard nothing more!

In the meantime, I’m grateful that I can live a very normal life. With the exception of blood tests at the nearby hospital every second Friday and a Sandostatin injection here at home every 28 days, my schedule is much the same as it’s always been. I’ve suffered absolutely no ill effects from either the mIBG or the Sandostatin, my energy and appetite are unaffected and I’m sleeping well. I do suffer from bouts of anxiety but thankfully, they haven’t been too frequent. My biggest regret is not being able to take a role in our drama club’s upcoming production of Agatha Christie’s murder mystery, And Then There Were None, because the upcoming treatment will render me too radioactive to be in close contact with other people for the final two weeks of rehearsal.

I often find January a long and dull month but getting back on track physically has helped a lot. Over the past three weeks, I’ve walked 12 miles (almost 20 km) on the treadmill and since the weather has been unseasonably warm, we’ve also done some walking outside. With all the freezing and thawing, however, it’s pretty treacherous out there right now and the treadmill is a lot safer. I’m also back to three full weight lifting sets three times a week. After almost a year long hiatus, I started with what seemed like ridiculously small weights but I’ve already started increasing them. Sadly, there’s still a bulge around my middle and the best I can say for my weight is that it hasn’t continued to climb but I know that the exercise is contributing to my overall feeling of well-being and I’m determined to keep it up.

So, to those who’ve been asking, I hope this answers your questions and to those who’ve been praying for me, thank you so very much! I’m still hanging on to the hem of his garment and asking for a miracle!

What’s in your sponge?

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What does a dog do as soon as it comes out of the water? Why, it shakes, of course! It can’t help itself and if you happen to be standing nearby, you share in the blessing!

Dog-shaking-off-water-002-460x250Photo

 

I was reminded of that when I read my devotions this morning.

“Let’s say you have a bucket full of water and you soak a sponge in it. Later on you take the sponge, and in a room full of people, you swing the sponge around. What would the people be splashed with? The answer is obvious, water. What if the bucket is filled with milk, oil or soda pop? The people will be splashed with the substance in the bucket that saturated the sponge.”

The writer, Christian Sarmiento, went on to point out the spiritual application or principle behind his illustration. When life squeezes us or shakes us around, we, like the wet dog, will drench the people around us with whatever it is that we are filled with whether it be joy or bitterness, love or hate, acceptance or irritation.

Life isn’t easy and it can fill our sponges with all sorts of disagreeable things if we allow it to. I could choose to dwell on the hurts of the past or the unknowns of the future and spread gloom wherever I go or I can pray for grace and fill my sponge with hope.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-contol.”  Galatians 5:22-23

These are the things that I want in my sponge! What’s in your sponge today?

Best things

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One of the best things about Richard and I both being teachers was our two month summer vacations. When our children were young, we spent many of those summers on the road with our tent trailer in tow. I called it our gypsy wagon. Our kids have been to the northern tip of Newfoundland and seen the midnight sun in Inuvik, NWT. They’ve hiked a portion of the Chilkoot Trail out of Skagway, Alaska and under Utah’s hot desert sun. They’ve stood in an Anasazi cliff dwelling in southwestern Colorado and on the rim of the Grand Canyon. Melaina still has Michaela, the handmade doll she bought from a street vendor by that name in Tijuana, Mexico.

hiking

Every night, as I tucked the children into their trailer beds and listened to their prayers, I asked each one “What was your best thing today?” Their answers often surprised me. We might have toured a historic site that day or viewed an amazing  natural phenomenon but a child’s answer was often something simple like the puppy they played with in the campground or roasting marshmallows over the fire.

Now grown with kids of their own, both Matthew and Melaina have introduced a similar practice into the daily lives of their own children. Every evening, as part of four-year-old Sam’s bedtime routine, Matt and Robin ask him what his best thing that day was. They record his answer in a little notebook and one of them draws a picture to go with it. It’s not about producing great works of art but rather, about remembering the moments that are important in the day to day life of their little boy. They plan to start a similar journal for Nate when he turns three next month. What treasures those little books will become down through the years.

At Melaina’s house, when the family gathers for supper, one of the children asks the other “What was your favourite today?” Soon everyone around the table is asked to share the best thing from their day. What a great way to teach children to show appreciation for the good things in their lives.

In addition to getting back into shape physically, I’ve decided that another step toward banishing my “why bother” attitude ought to be to begin looking for the best things in each of my own days. Even the most mundane or difficult days have blessings in them if we take the time to look for them.

Today was one of those days when it would have been easy to focus on the negative but choosing the best thing was easy. My best thing was arriving home safely after our drive to the city and back for a long awaited MRI on Richard’s shoulder. We expected winter driving conditions, of course, but we didn’t expect rain at -16ºC (3ºF) and we certainly didn’t expect the lunatic driver who flew out of a side road and spun out on the icy road right in front of us! Richard managed to swerve and avoid what could easily have been a deadly crash. I think there must have been angels watching over us! Come to think of it, maybe that was really the best thing.