Whether you are working and raising a family or older and possibly even retired, do you ever find yourself overwhelmed because you’ve said yes to too many things? Do you spend so much time doing for others that you don’t have time or energy for yourself, your marriage, or your family?
Establishing boundaries that protect your time, prioritize what’s important to you, and maintain healthy relationships is essential for your own well-being. Declining an invitation or saying no to a request can be surprisingly difficult, especially if you’re afraid of disappointing someone or worry that they’ll hold it against you, but sometimes it’s essential and it does get easier with practice. Learning how to say no without feeling guilty is one of the most important and most freeing lessons that I’ve learned in life. I only wish that I had learned it sooner!
One of the important things to learn is that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You can simply say no without giving a reason. Here are some ways to do that politely, but firmly.
- “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to do that.”
- “Sadly, I’m going to have to say no to that.”
- “I’m flattered to be asked, but I’ll have to say no.”
If you do want to give a reason for saying no, keep it simple.
- “I’m sorry, but I’m busy with other commitments.”
- “Thank you for thinking of me, but my calendar is full”
- “Thank you, but I have other plans.”
- “I’m really not the right person for that.”
- “I don’t have the necessary skills to do that.”
- “That’s not something I’m comfortable with.”
The following responses would be appropriate if the request is something that you might be interested in at some point in the future, but be careful that by trying to be polite you’re not to opening a door that you’d rather keep closed.
- “I won’t be able to help with that right now, but maybe next time.”
- “Unfortunately, I’m not able to go this time, but I really appreciate the invitation.”
- “I’ll have to say no, but please keep me in mind for the future.”
- “I’ll have to pass this time, but please let me know if there’s another opportunity.”
Instead of an outright no, offering an alternative might be appropriate in some situations.
- “I won’t be able to do that, but … might be able to help you.”
- “I’m not able to help this month, but I would be available next month.”
- “I don’t have time to bake anything, but I could bring pickles.”
- “I won’t be able to help set up, but I could stay afterward and help with clean up.”
One of the best strategies that I’ve adopted is not giving an immediate response to most requests. There are rare occasions when I’ll say yes or no on the spot, but I’ll usually give one of the following responses that give me time to consider the request and be sure of my answer.
- “I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you.”
- “I’ll need to think about that. I’ll let you know by…”
- “I’d like to pray about that before I give you a definite answer.” I only use this one if I actually intend to pray about it!
Lastly, if you are in a relationship that is characterized by manipulative or controlling behaviour, a relationship where you are afraid to say no, you need to get help.
Following Augustine 
When my kids were younger it seemed I too was forever saying yes to a lot of things and being pulled every direction as most of us as parents etc. have felt while raising our families. I too felt I couldn’t say “No”. This meant I was doing my part. But as I have aged I have found the strength to start to say the dreaded “No” to not just my kids but to others and not have to give excuses. I am trying to teach some of my kids that they don’t need to give a reason why. It is really nobodys busines why you have to say no. They just need to say no once in a while as you have said. It is ok too if they feel they need to also. It is hard as you feel privilaged to be asked or at least I did. It is also easy for those to come to the same ones all the time as we have always said yes in the past. It also teaches those asking for help to widen their circle and look for others to help and to get involved. We will always need new ones as us older ones step down and make room for the younger ones to take over.
So true, Verna! In every community or group, it’s always a few who do most of the work. That’s probably partially due to the fact that those who are looking for help know that those ones won’t say no.
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